Ailing Faith

Ailing Faith

in nights like this,
i look at the stars and wonder if they are your eyes or just glowing ashes of your fading existence;
dear god, you died and was cremated?

in nights like this,
many questions whirl in my mind,
i do not want to believe anymore
i just want to know, so god,
listen (if your ears are not heavy, or inclined to the prayers of your faithful few) to my fears

in time past, i felt your presence,
but in nights like this,
if I tell you how empty I feel,
would you put the blame on me?
did I make me?
was i a happenstance?
why create faulty humans and blame an erstwhile angel for your mistake?

in time past, i found myself in the mirror of your word (back then when it felt like i am no one - from feeling like nothing to feeling like "i'm the one!")
but all what i thought were tingles of your love
now make me throw up at every mention of you

in nights like this,
i feel that the only one i can trust is "me"
because i am closer to me
than you claim to be
they say you're everywhere,
where are you in my fears?
are you the storm in my head?

in nights like this,
i wish only I could believe again
but lord, i am tired of being on the fence...
in the name of all that's true
just how does 'have faith' make sense?

in nights like this,
i do not wish to come off rude or somewhat agnostic,
but i am asking you now, lord, would you please send me something that is certain to convince me
it's unfair to make me guess so much
of faith and hope and light and love,
makes it seem like all that is about your existence is just guess work
and all what befalls us is hinged on luck

in nights like this,
i question the essence of faith
just why must everything on it rely much?
i need more than the unseen, I want something I can touch
i want to feel that assurance of salvation
the preacher so passionately talk about
pray tell, dear god, is it for a select few?
if yes, can my gentile be made your jew?
if no, how partial thou art too!

in nights like this,
i feel like i don't know you anymore, so i put my brain to logical use. but the more i do, the more i am confused

in nights like this, i think about floating away and leaving everything behind.
i've loved you with much efforts
because the preacher threatened hell if I don't; but then i realize i didn't know what i was loving (you, church, me, afterlife?)

i want to have faith. really, I do.
but it's hard, dear god.
how do i believe if i feel nothing?

please, do not tell me to have faith
i've had tons of it, but look how cold my soul crawls farther away

in nights like this...
wait a sec, are you even listening?

#Pengician #JaachiWrites